Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Lunar Eclipse

I started this post, then deleted it, now I'm starting again.

This will be more of a stub than an entry, though, just enough to let you know that my outlook isn't totally bleak.

There was a lunar eclipse yesterday morning, from about 1:45 to 5:15 am, MST. Viewing was great in the southwestern USA, and we had clear skies.

I waffled. I wanted to photograph it. I knew I needed sleep. It's been so long since I did any nature photography. I've been terribly tired. I wanted to see it. I had a mystery shop to complete, and a meeting Tuesday evening. There was housework that needed to be done.

So I decided against it. Then, after it started, I went outside to look, and I couldn't stand it. I took off for points south, trying to find someplace from which to photograph the event that was free of ambient light without being so remote as to be dangerous, and close enough that I could catch part of the beginning of the eclipse, even though I didn't leave the apartment until 20 minutes after it started.

At least some of my photos came out well, well enough that I'm considering matting some of them together in a single frame.

I'm tired.

I know. I've used that title before.

For the past week or so that has been my focus. And the lymph nodes in my neck seem more swollen. I'm pretty sure I'm losing ground against the leukemia.

It all comes back to balance, and I haven't found it, yet. Balance between the medication I take for other health challenges and the damage that it causes. Balance between my need for income and my need for rest. Balance between the payoff I expect from some changes at home and the effort needed to accomplish them. Balance between feeding my spirit and maintaining my environment. Balance between my need for resolution of some long-standing situations that cause me grief and regret and the increased pain of confronting some people whom I trusted completely and who have caused me great harm.

I'm tired.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

The aftermath...

I'm tired, stiff and sore today, and my right wrist and left upper arm are particularly unhappy, enough to interfere with my computer use. Also with flipping the dishwasher, taking out the recycling and pretty much everything else on my To Do list.

I guess it's going to be kind of a retreat day: read, study, pray, listen to good music. I put the Christmas music in last week.

And, maybe, write. I can use my headset and voice recognition software for that more easily than for navigating the web.

But, overall, I'm fine. Really. I'm 0kay. It's nothing that time and rest won't heal.

Friday, August 24, 2007

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

And sometimes that's a good thing.

I was in a (very minor) auto accident this evening. (Friday) Four college-aged kids rear-ended me at a traffic signal and drove off as soon as the light changed.

The car looks fine, as much as I can tell in the dark. Apparently the new bumper design worked. (And it was another sedan, not an SUV.)

My body, unfortunately, is OEM equipment, and has already been through a few too many traumas. I hurt all over, but not enough to let the officer call for paramedics.

I think the shock just aggravated my old injuries, rather than causing any new ones. My Corolla has good head supports, and the bump just wasn't that hard. If I weren't already prone to muscle spasms I'd probably be fine.

On a positive note, I didn't get a root beer float at Wendy's, although it occurred to me. I didn't get a root beer float at Sonic. I did, however, get Pirates of the Caribbean colored bath fizzies, and a trial sized lavender scented combination shower gel and lotion.

I'm off to take a long, hot, bath.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

You can't always get what you want.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." Rolling Stones

Apparently I needed sleep.

After posting I went to bed. I got up three hours later, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed. Got up and stayed up at 6:30 pm, but could easily have gone back to bed then, too.

Reported the mystery shop I completed this morning, ran the dishwasher, fixed an easy dinner, caught up on some emails, watched a training DVD while folding laundry and working out.

Now it's back to bed.

Flo

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Decisions, decisions...

What would provide the biggest boost to my immune system? Attending my T'ai Chi Chih class or auditioning to be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

I've already completed a mystery shop today. It was by request, for a bonus. I'm scheduled to do another at lunch, but I've arranged to postpone it until tomorrow in order to attend the audition. If I do that I will need to buy the same fast food lunch twice tomorrow, between the hours of 11 and 3.

Staying home and catching up on the laundry didn't even make the list.

Update: How depressing! I realized that I'm so tired I'm not sure I can drive safely. I'm going to bed.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

This is a test.

Edit: How odd! As soon as I added this post the previous one displayed. It wasn't there 60 seconds ago. [end of edit]

On Friday I posted an entry in response to a question about T'ai Chi Chih. It has vanished. When I pull up a list of entries in editing mode it's right where it belongs, and the status is "published," but I have yet to see it displayed.

Hmmm.

Friday, August 17, 2007

T'ai Chi Chih

After making the previous post I was asked, "What is T'ai Chi Chih?"

Here is a website: http://www.taichichih.org/index.htm.

T'ai Chi Chih was developed from T'ai Chi Chuan, a martial arts form also known as "meditation in motion." There is extensive peer-reviewed research demonstrating a broad range of health benefits available through the practice of T'ai Chi Chuan. Benefits include improved balance, with a reduced risk of falls and fractures, improved bone strength and improved immune function, among others.

T'ai Chi Chih was developed as a simpler, non-violent form. (Frankly, I never found any violence in t'ai chi chuan, which I studied when I lived in Phoenix.) It is easy to learn and easy to do, yet it engages the entire body.

"Balancing the chi" is simply a paradigm upon which the form was developed. It is not necessary to believe in chi for the practice to yield benefits.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Follow up: The Wellness Community, Central AZ

Today I attended Newcomer Orientation at The Wellness Community and stayed for a Tai Chi Chih class. Afterwards I returned to the main building to register for the classes that I had chosen and stayed to talk.

I'm still very happy to have found this resource. More later.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Divine Intervention

At the oncologist's office today I picked up a brochure. I didn't have time to read it then; I stuffed it in my tote. I just finished reading it, and the organization's website:

the wellness community AZ

Wow! This is the local branch of a national non-profit organization that offers support and education to cancer patients and their loved ones, at no charge.

They offer classes in exactly the areas I want to include in my wellness program: mindfulness meditation, tai chi, relaxation, nutrition and cancer. I have the calendar for August and September; there are classes and lectures every week that I would love to attend.

My first thought was that I had to pick maybe one day a week to go. I try to avoid driving to Phoenix, and I need to both decrease my expenses and spend some energy increasing my income. I had to backtrack: even though I don't feel terrible, I have cancer. This -- lifestyle modification to strengthen my immune system -- is the only treatment we're using right now, and the better I am at it, the longer I can avoid chemo. Going to those classes is no different than going to any other treatment.

They are based in a home in a historic district in Phoenix. The center is open all day for patients, family and friends to drop in, like a community center.

And it's all free, supported by donations and corporate sponsors.

I am thrilled, grateful and humbled to have stumbled across this. I'm sure the brochures were not there during my visit three weeks ago. They were on a table next to the chair I used; I would have picked one up.

[8/16] Correction: I did not "stumble across this." I was led to this resource, and I am grateful.

Friday, August 10, 2007

It's Working!

I saw my oncologist today. The lifestyle changes I'm making, in concert with the prayers of my friends, have already had a positive effect.

The final test result was back from my first visit. It confirmed the diagnosis of Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, versus a drug reaction. That was what we expected, and is discussed in an older entry.

The CT scan report was back. There is extensive involvement of my lymph nodes, but to a minimal degree. Basically, everywhere they looked the lymph nodes were swollen. All of them. They weren't very big, however, 5 - 12 mm. I had noticed myself that the swollen nodes in my neck had decreased in size.

I didn't put two and two together. The lymph nodes were swollen because defective lymphcytes were accumulating in my body. The lymph nodes were less swollen for the past week. Therefore...the lymphocyte count had dropped. My lab results today showed a significant drop in lymphocytes, both absolutely and as a percentage of all the cells.

That led right to the discussion I wanted to have with her about Complementary and Alternative approaches to treating leukemia. I had prepared a chart listing techniques that I am considering or have already implemented, and asked her opinion. She was beyond supportive; she said she wished more of her patients would take that approach, that it could reduce the amount of medication required.

Although my intention was, and is, to formulate a coherent program, my efforts so far have been scattered. A little of this, a little of that, but nothing consistently, and in some of the areas that have the greatest potential for improvement I have not made much progress.

One thing I have done is eliminate mystery shopping, almost completely. I've accepted only twelve assignments in the last two months. Because of the lag in payment I haven't felt the reduction in income yet, but I will this month.

With the confirmation that my efforts have made a difference I have more incentive to be organized and disciplined about them. [edit: see entry Divine Intervention]

Anyway...if my condition is stable through three monthly visits we'll switch to follow-up every three months.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Success!


Update: I finally just left the screwdriver alone all night, instead of trying it every hour. When I got up Thursday morning it was charged, and I installed the shelf.

Well, progress, at any rate.

I've started making some changes at home in support of my wellness plan. One of the items is hanging a shelf in my kitchen for my spice racks.

I bought a shelf and standards when I first moved in, but I really wanted to avoid the appearance of the supports, as well as the number of holes in my (rented) walls.

Saturday I found a different kind of support that won't show when the shelf is up. I marked the holes, then discovered that I had forgotten to buy wall anchors. Last night I bought those; today I went to drill the pilot holes.

My cordless screwdriver needed to be charged. No surprise there, but I kept trying it with no reaction whatsoever. None. It seemed dead.

I just tried again. It made a little noise, and turned slowly. V-e-r-y slowly. But it's not dead. There's still hope.

Earlier today I chopped off a shower curtain liner and hung it from a spring tension rod in my bedroom window. I'm more sensitive to light "issues" than most, but the amount of light in my bedroom at night would cause problems for most people. With the blinds close it is almost as bright as full moon-light, due to the security lighting, and the way the vertical blinds were installed.

Light-blocking curtains cost $25+; I was walking through Target Saturday and saw the shower curtain liner. "Hmmm," I thought. The liner, rings and rod cost less than $6 all together. Tonight I'll see how much improvement there is.

On the other hand....

I found a side table on freecycle that I wanted for my Wellness Room. Since moving the new recliner in there I had realized there was no place to put a cold drink, the remote control, etc.

I was chosen and was supposed to pick the table up on my way home from the church this afternoon. Since I didn't stay at the church I was too early, then I got distracted. By the time I went to get it I was about two hours later than planned.

All to the good. The woman's husband arrived as the two of us were trying to figure out how to get it into my trunk. He lifted it in. The trunk wouldn't close but the bungee cord from my cart held the table in place.

When I returned home two neighbors -- whom I don't know -- asked if I needed help. They got it onto the cart, I got it into the house.

If I had been there when I planned I might not have had help available.

Well. THAT was fun. (Not!)

I really need some new shirts. Some woven, airy, cotton shirts, instead of the tee shirts I usually wear at home, or the poly blend knit tops I wear out.

As it happens, I have a pattern that I love. I last used it in 1988, however, and that shirt is worn to the point of indecency, so I decided to make some more. In my fabric stash I discovered several lengths of cotton fabric, that I may have bought for this purpose.

Cutting out fabric never seems as urgent as whatever else needs to be done at home, however, so it hasn't gotten done. The women's group at church quilts once a month, however, so I asked whether I could join them today specifically to cut out fabric.

Last night I knew that I would be better off sleeping in today. I got out the fabric and pattern, anyway. This morning I got up, late, still knowing that I would be better off at home. I washed instead of showering. (And my hair shows it.) I gathered the tools I needed from various places. (It's been at least ten years and three moves since I did any sewing.) I gathered my steam iron and some heavy towels to pad the table. I gathered bottled water. I loaded it all in the car. I left.

I knew by the absence of cars that no one was at the church, but I checked the building anyway. Locked doors, no lights, no people.

I could have just scheduled a time at home to cut out the shirts. I arranged to do it at church for two reasons. Working with the group gave me a specific deadline; I couldn't reschedule as I could an appointment with myself. More than that, I was looking forward to spending time with the other women. I wanted the social contact. I dropped in on the group earlier this year to donate some fabric and enjoyed visiting.

Last year I was criticized for spending my social time with my single friends, with other Creative Memories consultants and in community service, instead of within my own congregation.

I'm listening to Harry Chapin. Carole King is in the car.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Starting out on the right foot

When I left my apartment today to pick up a furnace filter at the office I discovered two letters on my door. One informed me that partial rent payments are unacceptable, and that my (attempted) partial payment was being held for me at the office. The other was a notice of intent to terminate my rental agreement for non-payment.

I was not amused. I had already received some seriously disturbing news online, and I didn't need any more.

Last week I renewed my lease. The apartment manager offered me one-half off my August rent as a bonus. The leasing agent calculated the amount when I signed my lease on the first, and accepted my check on the third. Obviously, something fell through the cracks.

I was not the only tenant in the office to complain about the letters.

Apparently we're getting a new general manager. She won't actually take over for two weeks, but she's in the office starting today. She commented to the leasing agent that she was surprised by how many tenants had submitted partial payments. He knew immediately what had happened. Unfortunately, she had created and distributed the letters before mentioning it to anyone who could have enlightened her. She went to the bank and left him to clean up the mess.

The leasing agent said we'll really like her. I suggested that she did not get off to a good start.

Retreat

That's a noun, not a verb.

I won't be online much for the rest of the week.

Sometimes I just need to stop, catch my breath and figure out how to get from where I am to where I want to be. Once I figure out where I am and where I want to be! LOL

Normally I would get out of town, spend some time hiking and photographing nature, relax, unwind.... That's not an option, but I can still choose to set aside some of the things I use for distraction when I'm avoiding dealing with uncomfortable but urgent issues. The Internet is high on that list.

I'll still be checking my email, but I'll only read the equivalent of First Class Mail, and not all of that.

At the very latest I'll check in after my appointment with the oncologist on Friday. I'll get the results of the CT scan last week, and we'll agree on a treatment plan.

Thank you, so much, for your continuing prayers and support.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

CT Scan, part 2

Well. That was anti-climactic.

I got to the hospital and used the valet parking. (That's so nice.) I found my way to the Registration desk and signed in. I was handed a "ComfortCall," which is a large electronic coaster similar to what you might be given when arriving at The Olive Garden on Friday evening.

In just a few minutes it was my turn. Registration took nearly 15 minutes. I had been thinking in terms of checking in for a blood test, but I was, in fact, checking into a hospital, one I'd never used before. Eventually they had copies and signatures and I had a wristband. They sent me off to Imaging.

I checked in at Imaging and was given a laminated, bright pink card with the number "35" on it. I seated myself in the waiting area. In a few minutes a motherly woman came out and handed me two pint bottles of "Barium Smoothie CT," one with a picture of mixed berries and the other with apples. She asked me to drink them and told me I would be taken at my appointment time of 3:00 pm. She told me to do my best. That was kind of ominous. She told me that I was free to use the restroom.

I opened the first bottle. It had the kind of inner seal with a flap that forms a "T" to help you get the seal off. When I pulled on it the flap separated from the seal. I tried the other bottle. As the woman came back past me I asked her to open the first bottle.

The stuff was thick and white. Really thick -- the straw stood up straight. A smoothie it wasn't.

I finished the first pint in three minutes. I took five minutes to get the next half-pint down. By then I had slid forward on the seat so that I could, essentially, straighten my digestive system. I was belching. I was uncomfortable. I did manage to finish the bottle, but the last half-pint took another ten minutes. By then I wasn't interested in doing any of the things I had taken to keep me occupied.

At about 2:50 the same woman came out to the waiting area with another patient. She saw me gathering my stuff and told me she'd be back after she cleaned up the room. It took just a few minutes.

I was expecting to change my clothes. (I had socks with me to keep my feet warm.) I was expecting a locker. I was expecting the test to take 20 to 30 minutes. I was expecting the machine to be big and bulky, like the MRI machine was.

She said, "You can put your things here" and indicated the top of a hamper. There was a big white metal ring, with a table at one side. The table had a sheet and pillow. She asked me to sit down.

I said, "I was expecting to change into a gown." She looked at my jeans and said, "No, just push your jeans down a little." Then she realized that it was a false fly, and there was no zipper, and I didn't even have to do that.

I lay down, then she covered with a blanket and put me a large pillow under my knees to help my back.

(More later....)

Thursday, August 2, 2007

CT Scan, part 1

Well, it's here. The CT scan is this afternoon.

Yesterday I finally did some research online, and the 90 minute check-in requirement makes more sense. Apparently abdominal CT scans are often done using an oral contrast medium, as well as an IV medium. I need enough time to drink the stuff and let it reach my stomach and intestines.

I'm off to drink some more water before my NPO order starts in six minutes.