Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New avatar / profile picture


I've changed my profile/avatar again. That is me, teaching correct principles of nutrition and whole foods cooking, whether in person at Cooking For Life classes, or through my work online at http://www.sparkpeople.com/.

The Cancer Project, which offers Cooking For Life classes nationwide, is recruiting instructors. The applicants who are chosen will be flown to Washington, D.C., for two days of instruction. All equipment necessary to teach the course will be provided. The cost of food used during the course will be reimbursed. The pay isn't much, but they only require a one year commitment, and one, eight week, course per year!!!

At the moment there's only one instructor in the Phoenix metro area, for nearly four million people. He has encouraged me to apply. He thinks I would do a good job, and he would welcome having a backup instructor available.

I would do a good job -- on the days I feel well. I'm concerned about making a commitment to being someplace every week for eight weeks. I'm also concerned about the physical demands. You have to drag your stuff into and out of whatever venue is hosting the class each week. (Ingredients, prep tools, wok, blender, plates, bowls, cups, foods prepared in advance, manuals, etc.)

The application deadline is April 1, so I have some time to decide.

Part of the application package is a five minute video of me giving a cooking lesson. I may do one while my sister is here next week, just to be prepared. It's not a problem. When I was selling Tupperware I taped a cooking demo for a contest. The only person under the same distributor who beat me was my manager, who became a distributor herself before she even got to compete at Nationals. (For which she beat me out.) I would just need to borrow a video camera.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

New oncology results

The blood test results were exactly as I expected. Everything was worse. Almost everything was the worst it's ever been. By far.

But...I'm still on a three-month follow-up, so that's good. (Versus having to come in sooner.) And the doctor was receptive to learning about SparkPeople. I left a poster for her; she's going to check out the site.

And I'm allowed to participate in a 24 hour fast, as long as I drink water.

I'm really tired, and going to lie down.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

It's working! Thoughts on album making


When I talk to people about album making I try to distinguish between "scrapbooking" and "memory keeping."

For a great many people scrapbooking is a craft. The focus is on the decorative elements: the layout, the papers, the shapes, the enhancements. There's nothing wrong with that, but a hobby can be set aside when money or time or attention is short.

Memory keeping may include those elements, but the focus is on the stories: stories of our lives and families, our trials and triumphs, our doubts and testimonies. It is an activity fundamental to the health of the individual, the family and civilization. It is a skill more essential than cooking. Really. That's how important I think it is. There's no drive-thru for memories.

Looking through an album made in happier times -- or sadder -- can help us have perspective on our current circumstances. A teenager who looks through an album made with care by a parent may feel their love when communication may be strained. During times of grief albums featuring a lost love one can direct our attention to the many positive memories we shared rather than the recent sickness or loss.

Last year, after my diagnosis with leukemia, I started a new album. I called it "My Journey to Wellness." I was excited about resources I had found, optimistic about changes I was making and grateful for the support of my friends and loved ones. I showed it to my oncologist at my last visit. She asked me to take it to each appointment.

Through the late fall and winter my optimism flagged. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder; the shorter the days, the lower my energy and interest in life. This year stress over some painful circumstances in my life exacerbated the difficulties. I essentially crawled into a cave and pulled a comforter over my head. And stayed there. Emerging from that cave has been a slow, painful and not entirely successful process.

This week I pulled out my Wellness album again. I had to ... I'm seeing my oncologist next week, and I hadn't changed a thing since my last visit!

It's working. Looking through the album has reminded me of my optimism and excitement, my resources, my blessings. It has helped renew my interest in carrying out my plans.

Yesterday I spent several hours on the album. I sat in front of my patio door, in the sun. (Well, the sun was out when I started.... Clouds rolled in.) I have decided the content of each page. I've identified the photos to include and chosen the enhancements. I've looked up dates and recorded them on a timeline, included in the album.

I'm going to type up some of the longer journal entries on the computer. I know what I want to include in the rest.

I wish I could sum this up in some concise sound-bite to share with everyone who tells me, "Oh, I'm not into scrapbooking." I've learned that that usually means, "I do not have the time, money or interest to sit around cutting up colored paper." That's not what memory keeping is about.
It's about Deuteronomy 4:9.

Monday, January 7, 2008

A new beginning

How have I gone so far astray? Actually, I know how.

When I was first diagnosed with leukemia I cleaned up my act. I stopped mystery shopping almost completely. I started napping without guilt. I let the house go. I watched feel-good movies. I stopped making myself do things out of duty or guilt. I resumed listening to my hypnotherapy CD's. I planned a healing room, I made some purchases that made my life easier, but had previously seemed like indulgences. My lymphocyte count dropped. Significantly.

That respite was made possible by my sister's financial support. Eventually, reality intruded. I went back to mystery shopping, because not being able to pay the bills carries its own stress. That increased my fast food intake. I started paying attention to the bills. My stress level climbed.

But I also became mired in negative emotions. Not about the leukemia, but about two situations in my life that are emotionally traumatic. Both of them have contributed to my financial distress. Correction: without the first situation, I would not be in financial distress, and probably wouldn't have leukemia. I had built a health-promoting lifestyle that I had to give up when my income evaporated due to fraud. The seeds of the leukemia may have been there, but it wouldn't have burst into full flower.

One of the scars I carry from my childhood is a strong aversion to confrontation, especially with people I love and respect. I prefer crawling into my cave and pulling my blanket over my head.

I feel anger, rage and fear, but also grief. Tremendous grief, over the choices loved ones have made that are destroying not only my life, but their lives and their childrens'. And they don't see it.

Instead of pursuing the resolution of these situations I have become more and more withdrawn, not just from the life around me, but from my own life. And my lifestyle decisions have been getting worse and worse.

The days are getting longer, the temperature is rising. And I can choose to change. I've made a little progress in the last two weeks, but it's hard. Very hard. In the short term it really is easier to remain numb. But the world doesn't stop, bills pile up. Neglect takes its toll, on my body, my finances, my home.

It's got to stop, now.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Not the fast that I planned... Incomplete

Ugh! I feel lousy.

I've been looking forward to participating in the monthly fast today. Not the going without food part -- my doctors have forbidden that -- but the opportunity to turn my attention away from the usual day to day distractions and towards things that require ...

I have been greatly blessed by the principle of fasting. I have been blessed with insight, with light and knowledge, with healing. I have been blessed to see change in the lives of loved ones who were making self-destructive choices following intense prayer accompanied by fasting.

Just as tithing has little to do with money, fasting has little to do with food. This is not the first time I've been prohibited from going without food during the fast; I was under the same restriction right after my baptism. At that time I felt bereft; I had had such great experiences during my investigation of the church.

As I pondered the principle, several things came to mind. In the scriptures the word "fasting" occurs, almost exclusively, with the word "prayer." The monthly fast should be a time of prayer, intense, focused prayer. The fast is a time of voluntary withdrawal from the ordinary cares and concerns of life in order to devote one's attention to sacred things. The fast should be a time of study, of learning, of teaching. The offerings collected following the fast are for the benefit of those unable to provide for themselves; the fast is a particularly appropriate time to give attention to family history, to providing for others whose needs no longer concern food and shelter.

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And my spirit is willing by my flesh is weak. I started writing this because I'm sick, and I'm surprised by it, and disappointed, as I see my plans and expectations for a time of peace and rest, focused on spiritual things, turning into time of rest, fluids and decongestant.

I want to come back and finish this, but I can't do it right now.