How I spent my summer vacation. Err, New Year's Eve.

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've made no secret of this, but many people don't understand the ramifications.

When the days are shortest my body wants to hibernate. If I am able to order my life in such a way that I face no demands I manage fairly well. I can be an amiable guest, remaining mellow as long as I get enough sleep. Which is a lot.

When I am not able to so order my life I get cranky and irritable, because I'm really not up to meeting other people's expectations.

I managed professionally by never starting a new job or project in the fall. As long as I could keep applying skills I had already mastered, and going straight home to eat comfort food and sleep, I could get through the shortest days. Whenever possible I arranged time off.

This year has not been a good one. Circumstances beyond my control have prevented the use of my preferred strategy. I am facing massive upheaval in my life in the next four to six weeks, two really awful situations in my life that I prefer to ignore can no longer be ignored, I believe the leukemia is getting worse.

I'm tired. And cold. And cranky.

And so I just sent the following letter to a nationally known pastry chef who frequents one of my online forums:

I ran into trouble today. I was unable to find what I needed online.

Would you please either explain, or tell me where I can find, how to sliver almonds?

I was asked to take a bag of slivered almonds to a cooperative dinner. I never buy slivered (or sliced) almonds. I figure, I don't know how long they've been sitting in that little bag, and the oil starts going rancid as soon as the nut is cut.

So I decided to make my own. I had 1+ pound of raw almonds vacuum-sealed in a FoodSaver container on the counter.

I have a little (1"x1.5"x2.5") box grater that I bought for garlic. I tried the slicing side. Wrong! The almond crumbled, it did not make neat slices.

I tried a knife. At the rate I was going, the little bag would cost more than gold. I did not get even slices. I did not get even slivers. I could not figure out how to just halve the almond, without doing bodily harm. I had just sharpened the knife before I started.

And about blanching them. I've blanched almonds in the past for a recipe. Worked like a charm. Skins came right off. This time I looked it up online and found directions on RecipeZaar. They were very specific...no longer than one minute in the boiling water. I now have most of 4 oz. of semi-blanched almonds on a towel on the counter. They are not peeling easily.

It took so long and I was so frustrated that I ended up staying home! So I'm sitting
here in my bathrobe, hungry, cold, cranky....

Anyway. I decided to learn, once and for all, how to prepare almonds. Then, next
time I need them, I will have a more accurate idea of the time involved, and the
skill necessary to allow the process to go smoothly.

As a pastry chef, I'm assuming you've halved, slivered and sliced more than your share of almonds in your life.

Sigh. I turned the furnace on.

I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm not getting anything done.

I really dislike having the use the furnace, but I just turned it on. I'm hoping that maybe I'll feel more like having a life and less like spending the winter in my den.

Five hours later: And turned it off again. I fell asleep after I posted, but woke later and couldn't sleep. I like my room a little chilly, so that I can snuggle into my covers.

Right place, right time

I'm horribly tired, so this is an outline, to be completed later.

co-op
sick
dawn
Wal-Mart return
Sonic
Connie - sick
Carrot cure all
over the door
housewares
flatware tray
size?
new place
first place
freecycle
no pen/paper
groceries
card / URL
where?
checkout

My niece the world traveler.

I found out where, exactly, my niece is teaching: Bingham Academy, in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

This is her second year there. Previously, she taught a year in Namibia after spending a semester there during her senior year of college. From there she also traveled to South Africa and Kenya.

She has also toured in China as a musician.

Can you tell I'm proud of her?

It's working!

I went to bed early last night, feeling kind of off. I woke up this morning feeling fine, but coughing up crud. As time has passed I've felt less well. I decided to focus my eating on fruits and veggies today.

A little while ago I decided I wanted to make some whole food juice, in my Vita-Mix. And I did! I didn't have to move anything, or wash anything, or find anything, before I could work. Before the re-org the Vita-Mix container was stored in a different room.

I'm sitting here drinking some lovely carrot / apple / orange / pineapple juice.

My kitchen re-org is working!

Kitchen re-org

Apparently I didn't blog here about my kitchen re-organization last month. I thought I had.

Although I have been very happy with the small appliances I've bought in the last six months, my counters were getting a little crowded. I only had one outlet that I could really use, so I had to keep shifting things around, plugging and unplugging. I use my new rice cooker so often that it really needs to stay out, but my mixer, food processor and Vita-Mix were already on that counter, which wasn't that big to begin with.

Sometime late last month I reached a breaking point. I cleared everthing off the kitchen counters, one at a time. I scrubbed them thoroughly. I replaced the ant bait.

I bought grounded multi-tap adapters so that I could stop the plugging and unplugging. With those I was able to move the Vita-Mix to a different counter. I moved a utility cart from my workroom to the kitchen, making my crockpots and kitchen scales accessible instead of stashed in the back of a 24" deep island. I moved my stand mixer, which I don't use often, making room for the rice cooker and vacuum sealer.

I was immediately much happier in my kitchen, and began cooking more.

All of that is preparatory to today's (12/12) entry.

MediterrAsian

I've just discovered what seems to be a great new resourcce: MediterrAsian.

The site is designed to help Westerners incorporate the healthy aspects of the Mediterranean and Asian lifestyles into our own.

While the majority of the content seems to be about food and cooking, there is also information about relaxation practices.

I've only browsed the site briefly, but was excited enough to share.

Winter takes me by surprise, again.

I've been in Arizona more than 14 years, and my gut-level expectations about the weather still haven't changed.

Last month I whined -- as I do every fall -- about having grey skies and early sunsets when the temperature is 80F. It just doesn't seem right.

Today the sun is strong, the sky is clear...and it's 47F. At 11:00 a.m.!

I am philosophically opposed to using my furnace here. Most years I am able to avoid it. I did get my winter robe out yesterday, but it looked like winter. It had been grey and rainy for five days.

Today it's bright and sunny, and my (literally) cold feet took me by surprise. But the temperature at the thermostat is 69F, and on the south wall, where I'm sitting, it's only 66F. Those are the inside temperatures.

I need to go get some socks on.

Splash!

details later. Short version: I have a membership to my former health club at no charge! A true blessing!

Effective January 1 my health insurance provider is offering in the Silver&Fit program to its Medicare members. I went to an introductory meeting today. The health clubs are offering us free passes through the end of the year.

This is the club where I used to belong. There is a pool with whirlpool, sauna and steam room, nice locker room, aerobic machine area, rooms for group classes and both weight machines and free weights. That is where I first used the water-based resistance equipment I own; I won't have to take mine. (Aqua-Jogger and Hydro-Bells) My massage therapist practices there.

I left the house at 7am to complete a mystery shop. I wasn't planning to be gone for nine hours, but it was worth it!

I am SO tired.

That pretty much sums it up.

There are days that I simply can't stay awake. I know that when that happens I should just go to bed and stay there until my body has accomplished whatever healing it needs, but sometimes I simply can't: I have mystery shops to complete, or to report. Or it's the first of the month and I have bills to pay. Or I've made commitments to be places, and I need to stay in contact, even if I can't follow through. Or all of the above!

And all of that just increases the stress and guilt that I feel.

I'm so tired.

Update (a few hours later): I currently have one shop to report and one to complete and report. In spite of my financial concerns I may just stop accepting assignments for a while, other than two clients. They both are simple shops, simple reports, pay quickly and reliably and don't require eating fast food.

Yaki Onigiri

Yaki onigiri

Ok. So I slept all day (Tuesday), woke up late, had a bunch of stuff to do, and will be out most of Wednesday. I'm feeling tired, frustrated, discouraged....

So I put some steel-cut oats in the new rice cooker for breakfast, on the timer.

I need to pack a lunch today, so I started thinking about what to fix. I wanted something super simple. Fried rice. I decided to cook up some rice, dry fry it will some diced veggies and add soy sauce. I pulled out my (old little other) rice cooker and made the rice. A complete no-brainer. I'll add some raw veggies to the lunchbox....

Then I got distracted. Instead of just making the fried rice I decided to play with my new onigiri maker. That went well, sort-of. You're supposed to use short- or medium-grain rice, so the rice balls stick together, but I only keep long grain in the house, except for Arborio, and I wasn't going to use (waste) my expensive risotto rice in an untried recipe. And I was using a new tool, and the directions are in Japanese, which I don't read....

The first few rice balls held together pretty well; the last ones fell apart on the plate. I ate those and decided to make yaki onigiri out of the rest, thinking the grilling/glazing process might hold them together. The last two of those that I formed still wouldn't hold together, so I decided to make ketchup yaki onigiri out of them.

Bottom line: I spent a lot of time and effort discovering that I don't like yaki onigiri. And I have a mess to clean up in the kitchen.

I do recommend Lunch in a Box, the blog of a woman I met on the Flickr! group for my Laptop Lunch system.

Early on in the process I considered ditching the onigiri and making risotto instead. It takes more attention than using a rice cooker, but the overall time and energy spent would probably have been less.

No! No! No home makeover!!!

My apartment manager probably didn't expect the notice to send me kicking and screaming...after all, they announced that they are replacing my kitchen and bathroom cabinets, countertops and faucets, kitchen appliances and sink, light fixtures, ceiling fans, electrical outlet and switch covers and door hardware.

I should be thrilled, right? Wrong!

Some of you already know where this is going. The rest of you didn't grow up with Depression-era parents.

For them to replace all cabinets, appliances, sinks, ceiling fixtures and outlet covers my stuff can't be in the kitchen or either bathroom, in the middle of the floors or near the walls. I can't have any more food in the refrigerator than will fit in a cooler while they work.

I use one of the bathrooms as a walk-in closet.

I have heavy furniture in front of six of the electrical outlets. When I moved in I immediately plugged in extension cords and ran them to either side.

The work in each apartment will be completed in less than 48 hours, unless additional "painting or flooring repairs" are required. Work in the complex starts in January; they'll let us know the dates for the individual apartments when it's closer to the time.

The notice offers, "Should you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact us...." I don't think they want to hear what I think of their plan.

Got it! (found a source)

"We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once."
Calvin Coolidge, American president

I've heard that quotation, by several different speakers and in several different contexts, but I never knew the source.

Thieves of Baghdad

Last night I went into our local independent bookseller to buy a gift and arrived in the middle of a talk / book signing. The talk was almost over, but I listened to the rest, and watched the presentation. It was both fascinating and compelling.

The author is a former Marine officer who served in Iraq at the beginning of the war. Whether by assignment or [?] [remember, I missed the beginning] he had a lot to do with the National Museum and other cultural heritage sites.

His photos were stunning, his story close to heartbreaking. 5000 years of antiquities, from the cradle of civilization, are in jeopardy because political games.

He has proposed a plan that would involve nations/governments adopting specific cultural heritage sites. They would send in trained security officers who would work for six months with Iraqi trainees. At the end of six months the foreign nationals would leave their equipment and go home, leaving a trained, equipped Iraqi force in place. He has committed the royalties from the book to helping make it happen.

To date only a handful of countries have stepped up. UK and US, but also places like Poland, Czechoslovakia, Italy, Spain...some European Union countries are notable by their absence.

I wish I had heard the whole presentation.

The book: Thieves of Baghdad.

Misery!

I feel awful!

It's my neck, which has caused a sinus infection and headache in addition to the pain in the neck, itself. I whining, because I've gotten used to not feeling this way!

And I have three mystery shops that I put off yesterday because I didn't feel well enough, and now I feel worse! They are some of my favorite shops. The shops are easy, and the report is easy. I just don't feel like even leaving the apartment!

These are the shops that I was unable to print the paperwork for last week. Today and Thursday are the last days they can be done, and I have three scheduled for Thursday, too! There's a limit to how much gasoline I can put in my 13 gallon tank in one day, and six shops is too many!

I've drunk some caffeine, which usually helps the headache. I'm going to try some other stuff (legal and within prescribed limits!) and lie down for a little while.

Flo

Wow! (mp3 player)

I just received the mp3 player I ordered last week. Wow!

The sound quality is outstanding. It's in stereo. (Which I expected, but didn't have before with my CD player.)

The pros: small, lightweight, excellent sound quality, earphones that I can use. (Almost a first.)

The cons: no manual, no CD. The controls are going to drive me nuts.

I knew that I was buying a refurbished product, but I expected something that would tell me what to do with it! I was able to load and play the (only) song that I've purchased online, Nightshift by the Commodores. I searched for and starting reading a manual online. I experimented with loading the scriptures. I successfully loaded 1 Nephi from the free version offered by LDS Audio. I think it's read by a computer with voice synthesis software, however, and greatly prefer the recording I purchased from the distribution center. Those are much larger files. I think that I have software to convert them to mp3 files, but I don't feel like messing with it tonight.

I read many reviews before I decided to purchase this. I knew that controls/menu structure got a lot of complaints. The comments regarding playback quality, capacity and durability were very good, however, and I decided that, for the price, I could learn to live with the controls. I'm sure it will be fine once I learn them. The manual would have helped. Oh, well.

I haven't played with the memory card yet. I've had it for several days. It's still sealed in plastic, however, and I don't feel like going to get the scissors. I'm fine listening to what I've already loaded.

So much for the SSA No Call list.

Anyone receiving Social Security disability benefits is subject to periodic medical review. The time between reviews generally ranges between 18 months and three years, depending on whether improvement is expected. A very small percentage of recipients are exempt from future reviews.

The last time I was reviewed the process itself was traumatic. The questions made me realize how much I had withdrawn from social contacts, how much community service I had given up, how much of my life, in general, I had lost. I finally had to ask a friend to help me complete the forms.

I felt tremendous relief when I received the determination. The agency had decided that I was still disabled, and that I was, in fact, disabled enough to be exempt from future medical reviews.

I was therefore surprised to find in my mail today a notice requesting my input for a medical review.

Oh, well. They didn't know about the leukemia, anyway.

Photos are posted!

I've posted some photos to go with my closet tale.

Mysterious Ways

I wrote about the loss of my personal CD player. Not lost, actually, like my really good Sony that was stolen two years ago. Just non-functional.

I saw an ad for a 512 MB MP3 player. Now...MP3 players have seemed like nice toys, but I haven't really been interested in owning one. The price was excellent, however, and I've really been missing listening to the Book of Mormon. When I checked the reviews for the unit in question they were uniformly positive. In fact, they were exceptional.

This particular player accepts an SD flash media card, expanding the capacity to (a maximum of) 2.5 GB. That also offers the potential to copy the Book of Mormon to SD cards permanently, instead of having to copy the section I want to read to the player every few days.

There was a 1GB SD card, from a manufacturer that I trust, on sale for $10. By using Google checkout for the first time, however, I received a $10 credit on my purchase. Shipping was free on both items; they didn't charge sales tax on the purchase.

Bottom line? For approximately the cost of replacing my CD player ($17) I will have a highly-rated MP3 player with removable storage.

God does indeed move in mysterious ways.

(edited to correct capacity)

Moving the pantry

I'm much happier now that I've moved most of my pantry system to the linen closet. Of course, the linen closet stuff is still on the floor of the hall, but...baby steps.

The canisters that I use for most of my dried beans turned out be be just shorter than the cans of wheat that I'm using as shelf supports. The effect is wonderful.

The taller space above the beans is perfect for my grains, including spaghetti, fettucine, etc, stored in tall cylinders.

I've definitely made some progress, both environmentally and mentally.

Shelves, part 3

Well, the shelves are in place. The stuff is not.

I really wanted to avoid pulling everything out at once. I wanted to deal with once kind of stuff at a time...linens, first aid, household. I also plan to move my pantry system to one of the new shelves. It is currently scattered among four different rooms. (Custom Kitchen Planning using Tupperware's Modular Mates.)

I also would rather not have aggravated the injury to my left wrist. It started with that same accident in August. I aggravated it in September dealing with the plumbing clean-up, and I aggravated it maneuvering the shelves into place. Now it hurts unless I hold it in one particular position. Unfortunately, it's not the position that my brace maintains.

And I burned both dinner and lunch, too.

Don' mess with a woman who cooks! (shelves, pt. 2)

When my mom remodeled and expanded her home I made the plans. My drawings were used for the zoning hearing, they were used by the contractor and carpenters. I was careful, I was precise, and the results were what we expected. Well, as far as can be expected in a house that was more than 100 years old, and that had been expanded, room by room, by homeowners who were good farmers.

What is with the professionals who build these apartments??? The left side of the closet is nearly an inch more shallow than the right side, and the back wall isn't straight!

After composing my last entry I went back to the closet and got the first shelf in with much less effort than I had previously expended. That happens, sometimes, when I just let a project go for a while.

While getting it in place I temporarily removed the original shelf that was on top of it. (My technique for getting the shelves into the closet involved removing all three shelves, stacking them, inserting them into the closet vertically then dropping them into position. While maneuvering around the existing shelf supports.) I knew I should replace the shelf, but I was having a hard enough time maneuvering one shelf, much less three stacked shelves.

Success! I got the first new shelf into position. Almost. I didn't worry about it too much as I wanted to make sure I could get the second (lower) shelf into position. I knew that I might have to lift the first shelf to drop the second shelf into place. I did. It went.

I returned to the first shelf. The right side fit just fine -- there was room to spare in front -- so why wouldn't the left side drop into position??? Because that side measures an inch less from front to back than the right side. Huh??? Didn't they measure? How did they put the front wall on?

Since I was really close to having my shelves in positions, and since it had taken a lot more effort than I anticipated, I was unwilling to remove the shelf and ask someone to trim it again, especially since it fit just fine on the right side.

I have a lot of tools but I don't have a rasp. I do, however, have a very expensive stainless steel microplane that I never remember to use when I'm zesting citrus. It did the job.

I had just one shelf left...an original shelf that I had moved up one position. I should have replaced it before I finished the other two, but I didn't. It was also cut badly. I don't know how they got it close to the wall on three sides in the first place; there is now a triangular gap in the back on the left, where it won't snug against the wall. Oh, well, that won't matter with what I plan to put there.

The shelves are in. I'm going to watch some TV before I start replacing the contents.

[Apparently I don't have a photo of all three shelves in place but empty. I'm not going to empty the closet to shoot one!]

"A three hour tour...." (linen closet shelves)

I didn't mean to tear up more than I could put back. Honest!

My previous apartment in the same complex had a pantry and a linen closet that were lovely except for one feature: the shelves were about 22" apart. This was not particularly useful. Also, although the closets were each nearly three feet deep the shelves had only one board each, about 12" front to back.

The solution was simple. I went to Home Depot, bought two pieces of bullnose shelving, had them cut to size and installed more shelves. I ended up with three additional shelves in each closet, most of them two boards deep. (The top and bottom shelves I left one board deep.)

When I moved into this apartment I left those shelves in place. I no longer had a pantry, and the linen closet was wide and shallow instead of narrow and deep. The single closet had the same design flaw: shelves 22" high.

That move went really badly, and I didn't have the time or energy to deal with shelving. I stuffed the contents of the linen closet into the shelves any way I could and added shelving to my wish list.

While my sister was here last month I mentioned the problem. She took me to Home Depot and bought additional shelves. We stood in front of them, debating at length whether to buy 11" or 15". We chose 15". We goofed.

I knew immediately that there was a problem. There was a small piece of shelving left over and I used it to check the depth. The shelves would have fit fine in the center, but were about 1/4" too deep on the sides, where there is a short stretch of wall to either side of the bi-fold door.

I decided the problem could be solved by trimming 1/2" off the back of the entire shelf. The day that my sister left I went to a church supper. I asked who might have the right tools and was referred to someone who took the shelves home with him and returned them 36 hours later. He was clearly disappointed not to install them for me, but I explained that I needed to pull everything out first, and I wasn't ready.

So the shelves sat in the corner for six weeks.

FlyLady tells us that we can do anything for fifteen minutes, and admonishes us not to pull out more than we can put back in an hour. As I thought about how I wanted to reorganize the closet, and looked at the space, I realized that I didn't have to do it all at once. I could clean the space where one of the new shelves would go, then install it, put things away, and have more room to clear another shelf. It still wasn't at the top of my list.

This afternoon I ate lunch while watching TV. Oprah came on just as I finished. I wanted to watch, but had things to do, so I compromised. I told myself that I could watch TV as long as I worked on the closet at the same time.

I emptied the space for one new shelf. Then I emptied the entire shelf below it so that I could clean it. I went to the master bedroom closet to get the cans of wheat that I plan to use to support the new shelves. I pulled the new shelf out from behind the bi-fold door...and couldn't get it into the closet.

Oh, it would fit in the space, and I could install it if those wall extensions weren't there. I did not realize the logistical difference between a closet 14.5" deep and one 30" deep. There's no room to maneuver the shelf into position.

I decided that if I took out the next shelf I could insert the new shelf vertically and rotate it into place. That involved hauling everything out of the closet. I now have first aid supplies, linens, fragile artwork still packaged for protection, back stock of household cleaners and personal care items and cat food all over the hall and living room. (Cat food? Don't ask.)

The shelf didn't want to come out. It had been painted into place. Even after I loosened it from its supports it was held in place by the depth of the paint on the walls around it. My hammer and I prevailed.

I still can't get the shelf into position. The 1"x4" shelf support prevents my getting the new shelf far enough into the closet to rotate in place.

Sigh. This was supposed to be a 15 minute job while I watched Oprah.

My new lunchbox! / Flickr!

I finally bought myself a Laptop Lunch system.

I've wanted one for about a year, but until I started making so many trips to Phoenix I couldn't justify the cost.

I've been going to The Wellness Community once or more each week since I discovered them in September, and I seem to either arrive or leave during rush hour. It makes sense to wait out the traffic, and it makes more sense to take a meal or a snack to avoid the tempation of the neighborhood restaurants.

Today I shared my new toy with some friends. I mentioned to them that there is an entire subculture which posts photos of their laptop lunches on Flickr. Follow the link and enter "laptop lunch" in the search box.

There's a lot more to Flickr than meets the eye. Members have the option of adding notes to specific portions of their photos when they upload them. Many of the people who upload Laptop Lunch photos use the feature to describe their meals in detail. It's fascinating to me to see the variety of foods, even the shape of the foods! I saw some meals in which the two smaller containers were left out to make room for a burrito or a tamale.

More on the produce co-op

I wrote this as a response to a comment on my Eating Green entry. It got so long that I decided it deserved its own entry.

The co-op is up to two dozen or more drop off sites, so I estimate the number of participants to be in the hundreds.

We place -- and pay for -- the produce order by Wednesday. The organizers pool the money and on Saturday go to the same produce market the local restaurants use. Site managers haul the items for their site in a pickup truck, more volunteers arrive early to divvy it up among the laundry baskets and the rest of us pick it up.

They also have bulk items from time to time. Available for ordering last week were Utah apples, two varieties in 40 pound boxes, dried beans and rice. I ordered the last two. I'll pick it up on the 7th. This is the first time they're doing rice.

The bulk items are handled differently. When I arrive at the site I'll have to scoop my own of each of the varieties available.

Diety kills CD player

Heavenly Father apparently believes I'm well enough to read my scriptures in hard copy, again.

I've been listening to my scriptures on CD. I've been listening daily, spending more time than I probably would reading.

I first ordered the CD's six or seven years ago. Before the problems with my neck were diagnosed properly I had reached a point where I could not hold my scriptures. I considered the CDs "second string," however, and went back to reading, rather than listening, as soon as we found a treatment that helped my neck.

Two years ago my neck caused other problems. Most of you know that the pressure on my spinal cord caused extensive, disruptive digestive problems, and I spent a lot of time lying down in a dark room. I turned to the CDs again when it became clear to me that I could not complete President Hinckley's Book of Mormon challenge any other way.

I discovered something completely unexpected: I heard things that I had previously missed. Now, that happens when I read; I believe that's part of the reason we are encouraged to read our scriptures regularly. As we grow in understanding we are able to recognize and accept greater light and knowledge, and thus able to gain new insights from familiar texts. As I listened to the scriptures, however, it happened over and over again. Every day I learned something new. I began listening to the Book of Mormon every six months, then every four months.

In 2006 I finally received an effective treatment for my neck, which has brought tremendous relief, but then I developed leukemia. I'm back to spending a lot of time lying down. My scriptures on CD have been a great comfort to me. I've been listening an hour or more most days.

Apparently Heavenly Father has decided that I need to return to reading. I finished listening to the Book of Mormon a few days ago, and my personal CD player (Disc-man type) hasn't worked since. I've changed the batteries, I've tried other disks; nothing helps. It makes horrid noises for a minute or so, then "Er" is displayed on the LCD panel.

Now, this is not my only CD player. I have a boom box in my workroom, that can be heard in the kitchen. I have a CD/clock in the bathroom. I can play CDs on my DVD player in the living room. I even have another CD player in the bedroom, in my alarm clock.

What I can't do is listen to the scriptures lying down. With the personal CD player I use an earphone; no sound escapes to bother my neighbors. If I use the CD player in my clock, I have to turn the volume way up to overcome the muffling effect of the pillow. Even then, clarity is lost, which matters for the scriptures more than for music. Also, the controls of the personal CD player are within reach. If I want to hear something again I move a finger and press one button.

Apparently Heavenly Father wants me to return to reading my scriptures. There are aspects that I miss while listening. I can't follow the footnotes. I can't mark my scriptures, or add my own footnotes, or maintain the personal "topical guide" lists that I have in the back. I can't go back and re-read a single verse or paragraph; when listening I have to go back to the beginning of the chapter.

Apparently I have the chance to do all those things again.

My new avatar, and why I changed it.

In my new avatar I'm not just on vacation, I'm on vacation in the Yucatan, exploring pre-Columbian archeology / anthropology sites.

That is a goal I've had for several years: to take a Western Caribbean cruise that focuses on the Pre-Columbian history and accomplishments of the area. (Olmecs, Toltecs, Mayans. Yucatan, Veracruz, Honduras, Guatemala, Belize.)

That goal is my "carrot" when my motivation to exercise wanes. It would be pretty pointless to spend the money if I didn't have the stamina to explore the sites, or had to rest for two or three days after every shore excursion.

After being diagnosed with leukemia I wondered whether I would ever be able to make the trip. Leukemia impairs my immune system; I didn't know whether my doctor would give permission.

She did, last week. She actively encouraged me.

Eating green

Well, the Internet ate my first attempt at this post.

I picked up my first share of produce from the co-op today.

Bananas, apples, pears and a personal watermelon. Potatoes, carrots, celery, onions. Broccoli crowns, tomatoes, romaine, acorn squash.

I traded my mushrooms -- more than a pound -- for an extra acorn squash.

Cost? $15 plus $2 because it was my first time. That was to buy the laundry baskets the food is sorted into by the volunteers. I did a cost comparison with Basha's. (Because I could do it online.) I saved about half, even taking sale prices and coupons into account.

Lookin' Good! (Graduation Day)

More later...for now: I graduated.

I saw my oncologist today. She's satisfied with my condition; I'll see her now every three months, instead of every month.

October? How'd that happen?

Time seems to be slipping by at warp speed.

It's been a week; my tooth still doesn't hurt. That's a blessing.

The temperature in the Phoenix area has dropped, finally. It's not even 90F yet, at 11 a.m. Today the sky is overcast, a side effect of a storm just off Baja California.

I missed my meetings yesterday. Saturday I developed a sore throat, serious enough that I had trouble swallowing. I decided that I needed sleep more than I needed to be in a room with lots of people. I slept very late and was back in bed before 9 p.m. I went to bed in the middle of watching a television show; I couldn't stay awake. I'm feeling better today, but still tired.

I received a notice last week that maintenance workers would be entering my apartment sometime this week, something about the A/C unit and drywall. I didn't get it, but it means I can't shower for another four hours. By then I may be asleep again.

In fact, I may go right now.

Job's Teeth

Does the Bible say anything about Job's teeth?

In many respects the last few years just haven't gone very well for me. Lots of good things have happened, and I've made new friends and been led to some great resources, but -- honestly -- I'd rather not have needed an oncologist, or a physiatrist, or The Wellness Community.

Today was another mixed day. I've been horribly tired -- still! -- and seriously considered staying home from my Mindfulness class. I went anyway, and I'm glad I did. As I left I saw a poster for another local resource for cancer patients that seems perfect for me. (http://www.cancerworkoutcenter.org/)

Then I came home and broke a tooth. It had already been drilled and filled until just a shell was left, and now the front half is gone. I do not currently have a dentist, and a root canal and crown are not in the budget. At least it doesn't hurt. Yet.

While my sister was here I mentioned to a friend that I seemed to be experiencing a series of plagues. I was thinking Pharaoh; she was thinking Job.

Was there any mention of Job's teeth?

Two weeks?!!

How could I have not posted for two weeks?

Actually, I have a pretty good idea. I mentioned the auto accident a month ago. I mentioned the plumbing issues two weeks ago. I didn't mention that dealing with the plumbing reminded my body that it wasn't happy after the accident. The day that I last posted my left arm was starting to get sore. By Sunday it was extemely painful. Instead of going to the opening of the Tempe Center for the Arts, which was why my sister visited when she did, I took painkillers and went to bed. I wrapped a large heating pad around my upper arm. It made things much worse, but at least I was then able to identify the focus of the problem. I switched to ice.

By Monday it was basically unusable. Moving my upper arm away from my body caused excrutiating pain, which made dressing lots of fun. Also Monday the industrial strength fans were removed. (see Splish Splash) That seemed to be a turning point in dealing with my arm. I hadn't realized how much stress I was putting on my left arm clamboring over the fan each time I wanted to use the bathroom.

My arm improved very gradually over the next few days. Driving really aggravated the pain, so my sister spent her vacation driving me around, doing my housework and watching me sleep. I didn't spend much time on the computer.

My sister left early Saturday morning, Sept. 15. I had a very busy day on Monday, culminating in my first Mindfulness Meditation class. That deserves its own entry. Since then I've pretty much spent my time eating, sleeping and reading.

Two weeks.

Report from the oncology appointment

Have I mentioned that I really like my oncologist?

I had my camera with me today, and was able to get photos of two staff members who didn't help me last month. They came out well.

When the doctor came into the room she knew that Marie was my sister. I explained that I had changed my appointment in order to allow Marie to meet her, and that Marie would be reporting back to our other sister. The doctor started from scratch, explaining the disease, what my status is and why we made the treatment choices we did. She gave us each an opportunity to ask questions. She repeated her support and encouragement for the complementary therapies I'm pursuing.

The objective results were exactly what I expected. The lab work was a little worse, but not much. The lymph nodes in my neck were a little more swollen, but not much.

The increase was small enough that the doctor still considers my condition stable. If it's still stable when I see her next month I'll "graduate" to seeing her every three months.

All in all, a very positive visit.

Splish Splash!

My sister arrived from New York today, right after the first session of my Nutrition/Cooking class at The Wellness Community, near Good Sam. I had scheduled a mystery shop to complete while I was at the airport. I originally had an appointment with my oncologist which would have prevented my going to the cooking class, but I was able to reschedule it until tomorrow.

I had my first indication that all was not well while making up the living room / guest room for my sister. I live in a two bedroom / 2 bath apartment only because I wanted the open plan kitchen / dining room / living room, which I use for my business. I use the master bedroom as my "real" living room, and the master bath pretty much as a closet, except when I have a guest. For the first couple of years I only put things on the floor of the shower that wouldn't be damaged by water, but nothing ever happened, so.... Until today the bedding for the guest bed was in the shower, two pillows in one large plastic zippered bag, an electric blanket in another.

When I took the pillows out and set them aside I got a little water on my arm. I was concerned, but pressed for time. I had more work to do in the apartment, and I had to get ready to leave for my class. In an attempt to see where the water had come from I started to lift the bag containing the blanket. My first thought was, "Why is this so heavy?" Then I realized that the bottom few inches were soaking wet. I checked the shower head; it was dry. I checked the wall that was damaged by a leak three years ago; it was dry. I decided that I didn't have time to deal with it without skipping the class, and decided to deal with it when I got home.

I cleaned the front bathroom, since my sister would be using it, cleaned up and left. I reached my class right on time, enjoyed myself, enjoyed the food, shared a recipe. I had to leave early in order to meet my sister's plane. I had not turned my cell phone on at that point; I turned it on and left a message telling my sister that I was on my way.

I reached the airport, opened my cell phone and saw that I had a message. The details were sketchy, but the gist was that my sister had not left Albuquerque on time, and would not arrive for another 50 minutes, on a different flight than anticipated. I could have stayed at the class. Oh well.

I went into the airport. I decided to complete the mystery shop while I waited, but due to a timing requirement I couldn't complete the transaction until 10 minutes before my sister's new arrival time. I left a message telling her that I was leaving but would be right back, and finished the shop. I returned to the terminal and found my sister, but her luggage was nowhere in sight. It had left Albuquerque on a different flight, and wouldn't arrive for another half hour. I was glad I had completed the shop.

We walked around, we looked at photos, we looked at the art in the gallery. We returned to Baggage Claim; her luggage did not show up on the carousel. We eventually found it at the baggage office. By then it was 7:30 p.m. She had been traveling since 9:30 Eastern Daylight Time, a total of 13 hours. It was more than two hours after her original arrival time; we were tired and hungry. We decided to go to Sweet Tomatoes and enjoy Greek week.

Two hours later we finally went home. I headed for the back bathroom to investigate the water while she headed for the front one. They both had standing water on the floor, as did the kitchen. The carpet padding in the hall, the linen closet, the master bedroom closet and the dining room was soaked. The carpet didn't look wet, but when we stepped on it the water wicked up from the padding. So much for my decision to deal with it tomorrow!

I called maintenance. When Francisco came he discovered that the shower was full of water to overflowing. He left to call a water extraction company and a plumber while my sister and I started moving things off the affected carpet. Eventually I started bailing out the shower and discovered that it was greasy kitchen waste water, including food scraps; apparently the sewer line backed up through the shower drain. I called to give Francisco the additional information and to suggest that someone tell my upstairs neighbors not to use their kitchen sink.

Besides the things I had stored in the back bathroom, everything on the floor of the linen closet and much of what was in the master bedroom closet was wet. I spent the next hour discarding, cleaning and bailing.

The plumber and the carpet guy showed up at about the same time. By the time they left it was after midnight. There is now an industrial strength fan in each bathroom, blowing between the carpet and the padding in the adjacent room. I've mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors, but only enough to get rid of the water; they will have to be done again, and disinfected. The waterproof stuff in the shower -- my camping kitchen, my Hydro-Bells, some of my water storage -- has to be cleaned and disinfected. I've decided to discard the bedding. It was all soaked in dirty kitchen water; I'd never feel confident that it was really clean, and with my immune system compromised I'm unwilling to take any chances.
The office and living room are littered -- more than usual -- with everything we moved to clear the carpet and make room to bring the equipment in. The tub is full of towels that we used to soak up as much water as possible before I realized that they had arranged for extraction.

I have twelve cases of food storage from the cannery in the back closet. I am very grateful that it didn't get wet. The carpet is wet just a few inches in front of them, but the food storage is not wet.

My life is never dull.

Food for Life (class)

I just discovered more information about the cooking class that I'm taking at The Wellness Community starting Thursday.

When I signed up for the class I asked about the philosophical foundation. The person I spoke with didn't have that information. I'm very happy to discover that they seem to be using a program developed by a group that I support, Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine.

http://support.cancerproject.com/

I say, "seem to be" only because the course is not listed on the PCRM / Cancer Project schedule of upcoming classes.

Lunar Eclipse

I started this post, then deleted it, now I'm starting again.

This will be more of a stub than an entry, though, just enough to let you know that my outlook isn't totally bleak.

There was a lunar eclipse yesterday morning, from about 1:45 to 5:15 am, MST. Viewing was great in the southwestern USA, and we had clear skies.

I waffled. I wanted to photograph it. I knew I needed sleep. It's been so long since I did any nature photography. I've been terribly tired. I wanted to see it. I had a mystery shop to complete, and a meeting Tuesday evening. There was housework that needed to be done.

So I decided against it. Then, after it started, I went outside to look, and I couldn't stand it. I took off for points south, trying to find someplace from which to photograph the event that was free of ambient light without being so remote as to be dangerous, and close enough that I could catch part of the beginning of the eclipse, even though I didn't leave the apartment until 20 minutes after it started.

At least some of my photos came out well, well enough that I'm considering matting some of them together in a single frame.

I'm tired.

I know. I've used that title before.

For the past week or so that has been my focus. And the lymph nodes in my neck seem more swollen. I'm pretty sure I'm losing ground against the leukemia.

It all comes back to balance, and I haven't found it, yet. Balance between the medication I take for other health challenges and the damage that it causes. Balance between my need for income and my need for rest. Balance between the payoff I expect from some changes at home and the effort needed to accomplish them. Balance between feeding my spirit and maintaining my environment. Balance between my need for resolution of some long-standing situations that cause me grief and regret and the increased pain of confronting some people whom I trusted completely and who have caused me great harm.

I'm tired.

The aftermath...

I'm tired, stiff and sore today, and my right wrist and left upper arm are particularly unhappy, enough to interfere with my computer use. Also with flipping the dishwasher, taking out the recycling and pretty much everything else on my To Do list.

I guess it's going to be kind of a retreat day: read, study, pray, listen to good music. I put the Christmas music in last week.

And, maybe, write. I can use my headset and voice recognition software for that more easily than for navigating the web.

But, overall, I'm fine. Really. I'm 0kay. It's nothing that time and rest won't heal.

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

And sometimes that's a good thing.

I was in a (very minor) auto accident this evening. (Friday) Four college-aged kids rear-ended me at a traffic signal and drove off as soon as the light changed.

The car looks fine, as much as I can tell in the dark. Apparently the new bumper design worked. (And it was another sedan, not an SUV.)

My body, unfortunately, is OEM equipment, and has already been through a few too many traumas. I hurt all over, but not enough to let the officer call for paramedics.

I think the shock just aggravated my old injuries, rather than causing any new ones. My Corolla has good head supports, and the bump just wasn't that hard. If I weren't already prone to muscle spasms I'd probably be fine.

On a positive note, I didn't get a root beer float at Wendy's, although it occurred to me. I didn't get a root beer float at Sonic. I did, however, get Pirates of the Caribbean colored bath fizzies, and a trial sized lavender scented combination shower gel and lotion.

I'm off to take a long, hot, bath.

You can't always get what you want.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." Rolling Stones

Apparently I needed sleep.

After posting I went to bed. I got up three hours later, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed. Got up and stayed up at 6:30 pm, but could easily have gone back to bed then, too.

Reported the mystery shop I completed this morning, ran the dishwasher, fixed an easy dinner, caught up on some emails, watched a training DVD while folding laundry and working out.

Now it's back to bed.

Flo

Decisions, decisions...

What would provide the biggest boost to my immune system? Attending my T'ai Chi Chih class or auditioning to be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

I've already completed a mystery shop today. It was by request, for a bonus. I'm scheduled to do another at lunch, but I've arranged to postpone it until tomorrow in order to attend the audition. If I do that I will need to buy the same fast food lunch twice tomorrow, between the hours of 11 and 3.

Staying home and catching up on the laundry didn't even make the list.

Update: How depressing! I realized that I'm so tired I'm not sure I can drive safely. I'm going to bed.

This is a test.

Edit: How odd! As soon as I added this post the previous one displayed. It wasn't there 60 seconds ago. [end of edit]

On Friday I posted an entry in response to a question about T'ai Chi Chih. It has vanished. When I pull up a list of entries in editing mode it's right where it belongs, and the status is "published," but I have yet to see it displayed.

Hmmm.

T'ai Chi Chih

After making the previous post I was asked, "What is T'ai Chi Chih?"

Here is a website: http://www.taichichih.org/index.htm.

T'ai Chi Chih was developed from T'ai Chi Chuan, a martial arts form also known as "meditation in motion." There is extensive peer-reviewed research demonstrating a broad range of health benefits available through the practice of T'ai Chi Chuan. Benefits include improved balance, with a reduced risk of falls and fractures, improved bone strength and improved immune function, among others.

T'ai Chi Chih was developed as a simpler, non-violent form. (Frankly, I never found any violence in t'ai chi chuan, which I studied when I lived in Phoenix.) It is easy to learn and easy to do, yet it engages the entire body.

"Balancing the chi" is simply a paradigm upon which the form was developed. It is not necessary to believe in chi for the practice to yield benefits.

Follow up: The Wellness Community, Central AZ

Today I attended Newcomer Orientation at The Wellness Community and stayed for a Tai Chi Chih class. Afterwards I returned to the main building to register for the classes that I had chosen and stayed to talk.

I'm still very happy to have found this resource. More later.

Divine Intervention

At the oncologist's office today I picked up a brochure. I didn't have time to read it then; I stuffed it in my tote. I just finished reading it, and the organization's website:

the wellness community AZ

Wow! This is the local branch of a national non-profit organization that offers support and education to cancer patients and their loved ones, at no charge.

They offer classes in exactly the areas I want to include in my wellness program: mindfulness meditation, tai chi, relaxation, nutrition and cancer. I have the calendar for August and September; there are classes and lectures every week that I would love to attend.

My first thought was that I had to pick maybe one day a week to go. I try to avoid driving to Phoenix, and I need to both decrease my expenses and spend some energy increasing my income. I had to backtrack: even though I don't feel terrible, I have cancer. This -- lifestyle modification to strengthen my immune system -- is the only treatment we're using right now, and the better I am at it, the longer I can avoid chemo. Going to those classes is no different than going to any other treatment.

They are based in a home in a historic district in Phoenix. The center is open all day for patients, family and friends to drop in, like a community center.

And it's all free, supported by donations and corporate sponsors.

I am thrilled, grateful and humbled to have stumbled across this. I'm sure the brochures were not there during my visit three weeks ago. They were on a table next to the chair I used; I would have picked one up.

[8/16] Correction: I did not "stumble across this." I was led to this resource, and I am grateful.

It's Working!

I saw my oncologist today. The lifestyle changes I'm making, in concert with the prayers of my friends, have already had a positive effect.

The final test result was back from my first visit. It confirmed the diagnosis of Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, versus a drug reaction. That was what we expected, and is discussed in an older entry.

The CT scan report was back. There is extensive involvement of my lymph nodes, but to a minimal degree. Basically, everywhere they looked the lymph nodes were swollen. All of them. They weren't very big, however, 5 - 12 mm. I had noticed myself that the swollen nodes in my neck had decreased in size.

I didn't put two and two together. The lymph nodes were swollen because defective lymphcytes were accumulating in my body. The lymph nodes were less swollen for the past week. Therefore...the lymphocyte count had dropped. My lab results today showed a significant drop in lymphocytes, both absolutely and as a percentage of all the cells.

That led right to the discussion I wanted to have with her about Complementary and Alternative approaches to treating leukemia. I had prepared a chart listing techniques that I am considering or have already implemented, and asked her opinion. She was beyond supportive; she said she wished more of her patients would take that approach, that it could reduce the amount of medication required.

Although my intention was, and is, to formulate a coherent program, my efforts so far have been scattered. A little of this, a little of that, but nothing consistently, and in some of the areas that have the greatest potential for improvement I have not made much progress.

One thing I have done is eliminate mystery shopping, almost completely. I've accepted only twelve assignments in the last two months. Because of the lag in payment I haven't felt the reduction in income yet, but I will this month.

With the confirmation that my efforts have made a difference I have more incentive to be organized and disciplined about them. [edit: see entry Divine Intervention]

Anyway...if my condition is stable through three monthly visits we'll switch to follow-up every three months.

Success!

Update: I finally just left the screwdriver alone all night, instead of trying it every hour. When I got up Thursday morning it was charged, and I installed the shelf.

Well, progress, at any rate.

I've started making some changes at home in support of my wellness plan. One of the items is hanging a shelf in my kitchen for my spice racks.

I bought a shelf and standards when I first moved in, but I really wanted to avoid the appearance of the supports, as well as the number of holes in my (rented) walls.

Saturday I found a different kind of support that won't show when the shelf is up. I marked the holes, then discovered that I had forgotten to buy wall anchors. Last night I bought those; today I went to drill the pilot holes.

My cordless screwdriver needed to be charged. No surprise there, but I kept trying it with no reaction whatsoever. None. It seemed dead.

I just tried again. It made a little noise, and turned slowly. V-e-r-y slowly. But it's not dead. There's still hope.

Earlier today I chopped off a shower curtain liner and hung it from a spring tension rod in my bedroom window. I'm more sensitive to light "issues" than most, but the amount of light in my bedroom at night would cause problems for most people. With the blinds close it is almost as bright as full moon-light, due to the security lighting, and the way the vertical blinds were installed.

Light-blocking curtains cost $25+; I was walking through Target Saturday and saw the shower curtain liner. "Hmmm," I thought. The liner, rings and rod cost less than $6 all together. Tonight I'll see how much improvement there is.

On the other hand....

I found a side table on freecycle that I wanted for my Wellness Room. Since moving the new recliner in there I had realized there was no place to put a cold drink, the remote control, etc.

I was chosen and was supposed to pick the table up on my way home from the church this afternoon. Since I didn't stay at the church I was too early, then I got distracted. By the time I went to get it I was about two hours later than planned.

All to the good. The woman's husband arrived as the two of us were trying to figure out how to get it into my trunk. He lifted it in. The trunk wouldn't close but the bungee cord from my cart held the table in place.

When I returned home two neighbors -- whom I don't know -- asked if I needed help. They got it onto the cart, I got it into the house.

If I had been there when I planned I might not have had help available.

Well. THAT was fun. (Not!)

I really need some new shirts. Some woven, airy, cotton shirts, instead of the tee shirts I usually wear at home, or the poly blend knit tops I wear out.

As it happens, I have a pattern that I love. I last used it in 1988, however, and that shirt is worn to the point of indecency, so I decided to make some more. In my fabric stash I discovered several lengths of cotton fabric, that I may have bought for this purpose.

Cutting out fabric never seems as urgent as whatever else needs to be done at home, however, so it hasn't gotten done. The women's group at church quilts once a month, however, so I asked whether I could join them today specifically to cut out fabric.

Last night I knew that I would be better off sleeping in today. I got out the fabric and pattern, anyway. This morning I got up, late, still knowing that I would be better off at home. I washed instead of showering. (And my hair shows it.) I gathered the tools I needed from various places. (It's been at least ten years and three moves since I did any sewing.) I gathered my steam iron and some heavy towels to pad the table. I gathered bottled water. I loaded it all in the car. I left.

I knew by the absence of cars that no one was at the church, but I checked the building anyway. Locked doors, no lights, no people.

I could have just scheduled a time at home to cut out the shirts. I arranged to do it at church for two reasons. Working with the group gave me a specific deadline; I couldn't reschedule as I could an appointment with myself. More than that, I was looking forward to spending time with the other women. I wanted the social contact. I dropped in on the group earlier this year to donate some fabric and enjoyed visiting.

Last year I was criticized for spending my social time with my single friends, with other Creative Memories consultants and in community service, instead of within my own congregation.

I'm listening to Harry Chapin. Carole King is in the car.

Starting out on the right foot

When I left my apartment today to pick up a furnace filter at the office I discovered two letters on my door. One informed me that partial rent payments are unacceptable, and that my (attempted) partial payment was being held for me at the office. The other was a notice of intent to terminate my rental agreement for non-payment.

I was not amused. I had already received some seriously disturbing news online, and I didn't need any more.

Last week I renewed my lease. The apartment manager offered me one-half off my August rent as a bonus. The leasing agent calculated the amount when I signed my lease on the first, and accepted my check on the third. Obviously, something fell through the cracks.

I was not the only tenant in the office to complain about the letters.

Apparently we're getting a new general manager. She won't actually take over for two weeks, but she's in the office starting today. She commented to the leasing agent that she was surprised by how many tenants had submitted partial payments. He knew immediately what had happened. Unfortunately, she had created and distributed the letters before mentioning it to anyone who could have enlightened her. She went to the bank and left him to clean up the mess.

The leasing agent said we'll really like her. I suggested that she did not get off to a good start.

Retreat

That's a noun, not a verb.

I won't be online much for the rest of the week.

Sometimes I just need to stop, catch my breath and figure out how to get from where I am to where I want to be. Once I figure out where I am and where I want to be! LOL

Normally I would get out of town, spend some time hiking and photographing nature, relax, unwind.... That's not an option, but I can still choose to set aside some of the things I use for distraction when I'm avoiding dealing with uncomfortable but urgent issues. The Internet is high on that list.

I'll still be checking my email, but I'll only read the equivalent of First Class Mail, and not all of that.

At the very latest I'll check in after my appointment with the oncologist on Friday. I'll get the results of the CT scan last week, and we'll agree on a treatment plan.

Thank you, so much, for your continuing prayers and support.

CT Scan, part 2

Well. That was anti-climactic.

I got to the hospital and used the valet parking. (That's so nice.) I found my way to the Registration desk and signed in. I was handed a "ComfortCall," which is a large electronic coaster similar to what you might be given when arriving at The Olive Garden on Friday evening.

In just a few minutes it was my turn. Registration took nearly 15 minutes. I had been thinking in terms of checking in for a blood test, but I was, in fact, checking into a hospital, one I'd never used before. Eventually they had copies and signatures and I had a wristband. They sent me off to Imaging.

I checked in at Imaging and was given a laminated, bright pink card with the number "35" on it. I seated myself in the waiting area. In a few minutes a motherly woman came out and handed me two pint bottles of "Barium Smoothie CT," one with a picture of mixed berries and the other with apples. She asked me to drink them and told me I would be taken at my appointment time of 3:00 pm. She told me to do my best. That was kind of ominous. She told me that I was free to use the restroom.

I opened the first bottle. It had the kind of inner seal with a flap that forms a "T" to help you get the seal off. When I pulled on it the flap separated from the seal. I tried the other bottle. As the woman came back past me I asked her to open the first bottle.

The stuff was thick and white. Really thick -- the straw stood up straight. A smoothie it wasn't.

I finished the first pint in three minutes. I took five minutes to get the next half-pint down. By then I had slid forward on the seat so that I could, essentially, straighten my digestive system. I was belching. I was uncomfortable. I did manage to finish the bottle, but the last half-pint took another ten minutes. By then I wasn't interested in doing any of the things I had taken to keep me occupied.

At about 2:50 the same woman came out to the waiting area with another patient. She saw me gathering my stuff and told me she'd be back after she cleaned up the room. It took just a few minutes.

I was expecting to change my clothes. (I had socks with me to keep my feet warm.) I was expecting a locker. I was expecting the test to take 20 to 30 minutes. I was expecting the machine to be big and bulky, like the MRI machine was.

She said, "You can put your things here" and indicated the top of a hamper. There was a big white metal ring, with a table at one side. The table had a sheet and pillow. She asked me to sit down.

I said, "I was expecting to change into a gown." She looked at my jeans and said, "No, just push your jeans down a little." Then she realized that it was a false fly, and there was no zipper, and I didn't even have to do that.

I lay down, then she covered with a blanket and put me a large pillow under my knees to help my back.

(More later....)

CT Scan, part 1

Well, it's here. The CT scan is this afternoon.

Yesterday I finally did some research online, and the 90 minute check-in requirement makes more sense. Apparently abdominal CT scans are often done using an oral contrast medium, as well as an IV medium. I need enough time to drink the stuff and let it reach my stomach and intestines.

I'm off to drink some more water before my NPO order starts in six minutes.

Moderation

No, this is not a character trait.

I decided to make this blog public and allow anyone to make comments in order to allow my friends to participate without joining Google. Because I knew that strangers would also be able to comment I elected to view all comments before they are posted. (I.e., I chose to moderate the comments.)

Over the weekend I received some comments from strangers. They weren't offensive at all -- that's not the issue. They were, however, left anonymously.

I've decided not to publish comments from strangers. If someone who knows me stumbles across this blog and identifies herself, great!

I will still see every comment. They just won't be added to the blog.

Temperance

And, no, this has nothing to do with alcohol!

I've known for a very long time that intemperance is my biggest weakness. Well, one of the top three.

Whatever I do, I do completely, then I stop. Completely.

When I read, I read not a chapter but a book. It is almost impossible for me to put a book down before I finish. I've been known to read 1000 page trilogies in one sitting. If a novel is part of a series I tend to read those back-to-back, as well.

When I worked as a software developer this was an asset. When I was troubleshooting I would stick with a problem until either I solved it, or I identified the cause in enough detail for someone else to recreate the problem and fix it.

In life, in general, intemperance is not an asset, as I was reminded while listening to Alma's instructions to Shiblon.

It doesn't mix too well with leukemia, either. When I'm engaged in something, whether housework, running errands or reading, I want to finish a block of work. I want to do all my errands to the east, for example, or in Phoenix. I want to finish the dishes, or the dusting, or cleaning the bathroom.

Then I spend the next day -- or more -- in bed.

Why?

I just noticed the following entry from mid-February on my other blog. It's copied from a reply I posted for another member of Spark People. It's worth repeating:

Why lose weight? You're absolutely right. There is no reason to lose weight -- after all, it's just an abstract number on a scale. Instead, why don't you choose life, health, abundance?

I choose healthy foods because I want the strength and energy to live each of my days. I choose life because I value my friends and loved ones and want to spend as much time as possible with them. I choose both health and life because I have been blessed by the love and service of others and wish to be able to pass it on.
If you focus on lifestyle choices that support health and life you will be enriched, and one day you'll discover that the weight has taken care of itself.

Now, I just have to remember this myself!

Watchful waiting is looking better and better

My sister reminded me yesterday that someone she knew chose to seek treatment in Eastern Europe when he learned he had cancer, "because they do not use chemo and kill the cells, they build up your immune system so it can fight off the cancer itself."

While talking with her about this I was reminded that I decided years ago that, should I ever face cancer, my first choice for treatment would be Cancer Treatment Centers of America, due to their commitment to integrative care.

Seeking medical treatment beyond what is available through my HMO is not an option right now, but that doesn't meant I can't benefit from a more comprehensive approach.

Most of the "treatment modalities" employed in an integrative approach to cancer are available without a prescription, and many of them are within my control at home. That is the foundation of my desire for a Spring, or healing, room, although I had not articulated the source when I began planning it.

My oncologist's decision to start with "watchful waiting" gives me an opportunity to build a program / lifestyle which supports wellness and my body's ability to fight the cancer itself. The more successful I am the longer we can delay chemo.

Epigenetics could be very relevant...

I happened across a PBS broadcast last night that seemed timely.

Nova Science Now had a segment on epigenetics. I missed the beginning, but apparently there are chemical messengers that act as the "operating system" to our DNA's "hardware." Environmental factors can have a significant, lasting impact on those messengers, with the effects showing up even in future generations.

I want to watch the segment again -- it's available at the link below, possibly only through July.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/3411/02.html

Going public...

I think I'm ready to take this blog public. My thanks to those who have been experimenting with it for the last few days to help me work out the wrinkles.

About comments: Comments on individual posts may now be left by anyone. You do not need a Google account, or need to join this discussion. Comments are moderated, however, so they will not appear in the blog until I've reviewed them. I'm not worried that anyone I invite would say something inappropriate. The tradeoff for not making all of you join Google was that my blog is now open to the world. It's those others I'm concerned about.

Timeline update

I heard from the doctor's office today. The CT scan is scheduled for Aug. 2. I'm very happy that check-in is at 1pm instead of 9am, since I have to drive to downtown Phoenix.

Dr. Saeed asked me to see her a week after the scan, to review the results and decide on treatment. That visit can't be before Aug. 9, now.

Watchful Waiting

My sister doesn't think much of "watchful waiting" as a treatment for cancer. Or rather, as a non-treatment for cancer, which is her point.

The form of cancer that I have, chronic lymphocytic leukemia, can be treated, but, at this time, not cured. I plan to live with it for a long time. The doctor explained that I have a fairly mild form of the disease, and she'd rather save the treatments that are available for when I need them more.

That's in addition to the fact that the available treatment is chemotherapy. Chemo is hard on the healthy cells as well as the defective ones. Do I really want to go through chemo in order to avoid needing a nap every day? Uhh, no.

That does not mean, however, that we're doing nothing.

The better able my immune system is to fight the cancer cells the longer we'll be able to postpone treatment. Also, the excess lymphocytes are defective, and don't fight infection very well. I therefore need to:

• avoid potential sources of infection.
• avoid anything with the potential to weaken my immune system.
• do everything I can to strengthen my immune system.

There's actually quite a lot that can be done to strengthen my immune system. I'll explore that in another post.

Also, Traditional Chinese Medicine considers leukemia to be a result of unresolved resentment. Western medicine might not put it in those terms, but there is increasing recognition that there is a strong relationship between mental and physical health, that runs both ways. Depression, in particular, has repeatedly been shown to suppress the immune system.

There are a couple of issues that I've been avoiding dealing with. They are difficult to the point of being traumatic. They have been a source of serious, ongoing, stress, one for more than two years. Apparently, it's time to do something about them.

When to expect more news

I thought I'd clarify the timeline.

On Wednesday the doctor asked me to see her one week after completing the tests she requested. They were scheduled for this Friday, July 27, so I planned to see her Aug. 3.

On Thursday she cancelled those tests and ordered a CT scan. That is not yet scheduled.

Bottom line: I don't expect to see her before Aug. 3, and it may be later than that.

WIP

I'm using this post to store this photo until I figure out how to add it to my profile.

BTW, I chose the template that seemed to have the best layout for my needs. I didn't like the color scheme or type face. I've edited the template, but haven't found all the code I need to change.

Leukemia is inconvenient

Leukemia is inconvenient. And I'm not even that sick, yet.

It's more important than ever to eat well, but I have no appetite. Most of the time I don't feel like eating, much less cooking or cleaning up. Then I get too hungry, and drink my calories instead of eating them. Sometimes Kool ade(sp?), or a Sonic Cherry Limeade, are all that sound good.

And my body thermostat's not working. And I get night sweats.

In this context I've decided that some purchases that would previously have been indulgences are now appropriate to support my wellness efforts.

I've purchased a second mattress pad, so that when I have night sweats I don't have to strip the bed down to the vinyl, wash the pad, wash the vinyl, dry them both and remake the bed before I can lie down again.

For the same reason I'm considering buying another nightgown. (100% cotton!)

I'm creating a Spring room / healing room. I've already replaced the light bulbs with full spectrum bulbs, and it changed the tone of the room completely. I'm aggressively decluttering, although in the short term things seem worse instead of better. I want to purchase a tabletop fountain, both for the sound of rain and to increase the humidity. I've acquired a plush, comfy, ladies-sized recliner and moved it to that room.

I'm trying to determine what I can do to facilitate eating better. I found a screaming good deal on a George Foreman-type grill, with removable, dishwasher-safe grids. I haven't taken it out of the box, though, because I may return it. I'm not sure it will provide the most improvement for the money spent. I'd like to get a bigger rice cooker, so that I can make one pot meals instead of just plain rice. While I'm at it I'd like one with a delayed-start feature. And a porridge cycle. My friends at ricecookerrecipes@yahoo.com love the results they get with their whole grain hot cereal.

I'd like to get another fan. My previous apartment in this complex had three ceiling fans in four rooms; it simply didn't occur to me to check for them when I viewed this apartment. It has just one, and I don't spend that much time at the dining table! I have two table fans, plus one small clip-on fan dedicated to keeping my laptop happy. I would like a fan in the Spring room without dragging it back and forth from the bedroom.

Google, which hosts blogger.com, as a wishlist facility. So I created one. It's on my profile.

Change in plans

The plan has already changed. My doctor called me this afternoon.

She changed her mind about the additional tests she wants done. The ultrasound and chest x-ray are off; instead, I'll have a CT scan. That will allow her to check the lymph nodes deep in my trunk.

She was going to start the authorization / scheduling process after talking with me. I don't know if I'll be able to have the test next week or if I'll have to wait until the following week.

She has most of the results back from the blood tests yesterday. It seemed a little incongruous to hear, "I have your results. Everything looks fine" from the doctor who told me 24 hours earlier that I have leukemia!

First visit with the hematologist / oncologist

I saw the hematologist / oncologist today for the first time. I really like her, and have complete confidence in her.

They drew blood as soon as I arrived. The white cell count is worse, but I'm no longer anemic.

Based on my lab work the doctor is confident that this really is leukemia, not a reaction to one of the medications I take. My primary care physician was actually relieved to hear that. That medication protects my eyes and lungs from self-destruction due to an auto-immune disorder.

As I anticipated, today's visit marked the beginning of more tests. In addition to the blood they drew today I have two tests scheduled next week. I'll see the doctor at the end of the following week to review the results and decide on a course of action.

Unless the tests reveal surprises, her recommendation at this time is "watchful waiting." I would have regular blood tests and office visits. We wouldn't start active treatment unless / until the blood tests get much worse, the lymph node involvement gets worse, or the symptoms become "troublesome" to me. I'm finding it inconvenient to need a nap every day, but chemo is pretty inconvenient, too.

The form of leukemia that I (probably) have, chronic lymphocytic leukemia, can be managed but not cured. People have lived with it for more than 30 years, however, so I'm not really worried. All in all, it was a very positive visit, and I'm feeling very optimistic.

I'm tired today

I'm tired today. And yesterday, and Tuesday. I can tell that my health is getting worse. The swollen lymph nodes are now like a string of pearls from my collarbone almost to my ear. The defective white cells were already 80% of my blood count a month ago; the good white cells are supposed to make up only 14% to 46%. I see the hematologist next Wednesday, but that may just mean the beginning of more tests, rather than actual treatment.

Joseph in Egypt and Independence Day

Joseph's brothers sold him into Egypt. They were jealous and resentful of him. Some of them hated him and sought his life; exile and slavery were a compromise. They thought they were saving his life; in reality they were saving their own.

The Lord provided a way that Joseph might be put in a position of saving the lives of his father and brothers and kin in the coming famine.

What does this have to do with Independence Day?

The British aristocracy saw the colonies throughout the world as (?how to express this.) Even their own citizens there were treated with abuse and disdain. They were to fork over the raw materials, pay exhorbitant taxes and prices for finished goods and thank England for the privilege.

The North American colonists said, "No!" In doing so they, with the Lord's help, put themselves in a position to save the lives and lifestyles of the English generations later, over and over and over.

Update

I had a second set of blood tests 10 days after the first. The results were worse. In addition my doctor checked for a vitamin deficiency and I had the lowest result she's ever seen, off the bottom of the lab's scale. We're treating that.

There's no question: I have either chronic lymphocytic leukemia or damage to my bone marrow from a medication I take for auto-immune disorders. Either way, the effect on my body is the same. Defective white cells are accumulating in my body, I don't have enough effective white cells to fight infection and I'm anemic because the bone marrow can't produce enough red cells. As a result of the anemia I feel tired, even when I first get up. I also have some new aches and pains due to the accumulations.

Staging of leukemia is based on lab results and physical findings. One of the commonly used scales runs from 0 to 4; I'm at 3.

This kind of leukemia can be managed but not cured. I've read stories online of patients living 30+ years with it. Getting to that point is not necessarily a pleasant process.

If it's a response to the medication the damage can be reversed. It takes two to three months off the medication; we would have to find another way to treat the auto-immune disorder. It has already caused damage to my eyes three times and my lungs once; I'd rather avoid that.

The referral to a hematologist came through with no problem. My appointment is July 18. Yes, they know that my doctor diagnosed leukemia. I'm on the cancellation list.

This all sounds rather somber, but I haven't lost my sense of humor. There are benefits to being diagnosed with leukemia: now I can take a nap whenever I feel like it without feeling guilty about the housework I'm ignoring. It's a relief to know why I've been so tired and lacking motivation during the longest days of the year. I consider it good news that this type of leukemia is not treated with a bone marrow transplant. And I'm getting in lots of Scripture Study while I rest.

I was planning to move July 20-21; that's off.

I've discontinued mystery shopping except for two clients. One, because they're easy shops, pay well and don't require eating fast food, the other because I'm going to buy gasoline anyway, I might as well get paid for it.

In the beginning...

Last month I asked my doctor to check my iron level. My iron level is fine; I'm anemic because I have leukemia.

Actually, there's a small chance that it's not leukemia.

If it's leukemia I have chronic lymphocytic leukemia:

Mayo clinic info on CLL
NIH info
Other (WebMD) info

If it's not leukemia then I have something else that is causing the same changes to my bone marrow, and the same symptoms, possibly one of the drugs I take. Unfortunately, it's the drug I take to prevent my auto-immune disorders from destroying my eyes, kidneys and lungs.

Stay tuned...