A new beginning

How have I gone so far astray? Actually, I know how.

When I was first diagnosed with leukemia I cleaned up my act. I stopped mystery shopping almost completely. I started napping without guilt. I let the house go. I watched feel-good movies. I stopped making myself do things out of duty or guilt. I resumed listening to my hypnotherapy CD's. I planned a healing room, I made some purchases that made my life easier, but had previously seemed like indulgences. My lymphocyte count dropped. Significantly.

That respite was made possible by my sister's financial support. Eventually, reality intruded. I went back to mystery shopping, because not being able to pay the bills carries its own stress. That increased my fast food intake. I started paying attention to the bills. My stress level climbed.

But I also became mired in negative emotions. Not about the leukemia, but about two situations in my life that are emotionally traumatic. Both of them have contributed to my financial distress. Correction: without the first situation, I would not be in financial distress, and probably wouldn't have leukemia. I had built a health-promoting lifestyle that I had to give up when my income evaporated due to fraud. The seeds of the leukemia may have been there, but it wouldn't have burst into full flower.

One of the scars I carry from my childhood is a strong aversion to confrontation, especially with people I love and respect. I prefer crawling into my cave and pulling my blanket over my head.

I feel anger, rage and fear, but also grief. Tremendous grief, over the choices loved ones have made that are destroying not only my life, but their lives and their childrens'. And they don't see it.

Instead of pursuing the resolution of these situations I have become more and more withdrawn, not just from the life around me, but from my own life. And my lifestyle decisions have been getting worse and worse.

The days are getting longer, the temperature is rising. And I can choose to change. I've made a little progress in the last two weeks, but it's hard. Very hard. In the short term it really is easier to remain numb. But the world doesn't stop, bills pile up. Neglect takes its toll, on my body, my finances, my home.

It's got to stop, now.